Der Feuervogel aufersteht.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I'd been born to parents who believed in the value of education.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I'd been born to parents who knew what to do with a gifted child.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I'd been born into the middle class, not the working class.

If I hadn't had the main notion of "I need to study something that will help me get a job that pays well," maybe I'd have gone into German 20 years ago.

But I also wouldn't have had the experiences that led me to have a passion for identity, belonging, liminality, and all that.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I'd gotten good advice as a kid, if I hadn't learned at an early age that mom wasn't useful for advice, if I hadn't labored under the idea that I had to figure everything out for myself because I didn't know there were people who *could* help you out.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I'd been raised by someone who understood geeky kids, who understood that her kid's social needs are different than her own, who didn't think I was lying when I told her that smoking in the car made me cough really badly.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I'd actually gone into something I had a passion for 20 years ago, rather than doing the working-poor kid's thing and following the money.

I've been skipping anime club lately, partly because I'm not excited about what's on the schedule, but partly because I don't know any of the people. There's maybe half a dozen people I want to see (one of whom I live with), a couple more that I like talking with, but I don't know any of the undergrads anymore. I'm not really interested in getting to know them, either.

Maybe I'm just getting too old for that shit. What do I have in common with someone half my age? (Aside from liking cartoons, but none of the kids like any of the shows I like. They're too old, too weird, too boring.) The only young-COUPer I can get along with is G, who's 19, but I can never remember she's that damn young, because she acts a lot closer to 25. (And I'll offer her a beer, and she'll say, "I'm not legal yet," and I'll go durr.)

I haven't really enjoyed Animazement in several years, and then I mostly preferred loitering or lurking about with other old farts in the over-30 club. I'm glad that teenaged and college-aged geeky kids can hang out and be exuberant and enthusiastic about Japanese cartoons; I was probably an annoying fan when I first became one. It's a phase, and thankfully most of us grow out of it. I just can't handle that sort of energy and nigh-on obnoxiousness anymore.

This is something I was thinking about on Tuesday, when I decided to skip the meeting again (and just download Giant Killing, which holy shit you guise is totally the German National Team this year, no joke), but when I was invited to a party and was sort of meh on going even though I'm home alone and kind of bored and had the long list of email invitees read to me and recognized like 3-5 of the people as people I consider friends (or at a minimum good acquaintances), another half dozen as people I'd say hey to, and the remaining dozen or more not at all, I decided that was a sign I ought to write a post about it.

Which is another reason I'm less than enthusiastic about the beach trip this year (the other major one being Señora Crankypants and her diabetes.) I'd hang out with LA & D, and I'm not even sure shinshan is going. The rest of the people on the list? I either barely know, couldn't point out in a lineup, am ambivalent toward, or actively dislike.

I need another place to make new friends. Because I seriously don't fit in at COUP anymore.

and woken up incredibly stressed an hour before my alarm, which turned into lying in bed awake thinking about how to make the continuation of this contract sustainable (emotionally, physically), and being ready to kick my whiny cats across the room, I think I'm going to have to come up with a nice way to say, "Sorry, no."

I'm 30 pounds overweight. Standing for 8 hours puts a lot of strain on my knees (and ankles, apparently, because last night my ankle became extremely painful.) I'd like to work out, because that makes me less overweight and I enjoy it (I like being strong, and I want to be fit and muscular), but I don't want to tire my legs out before standing all fucking day. And when I get home from standing all fucking day, I don't want to get on my elliptical for 45 minutes, right after dinner and right before bed.

I don't have time to take care of myself psychologically. I know most of my friends are I types, so you probably don't get this, but I need interaction with people to stay sane. It's a huge part of why I was so miserable -- to the point of seeing a shrink and going on meds -- in Oregon. When I get home, I need to interact with Ben, see how my friends in the internet are doing, and triage my email. On a day I work, I have NO TIME to write.

Which is another huge problem! I need to get this writing done. And I need to read a non-fiction book before I can get edits done on a huge section of the novel (those pertaining to IranAlpha Centauri 7.)

Also, and those of you who've been here for a while are familiar with this, I Plan Things. If I don't have something I can plan (a party, vacation, costuming, writing...) I get kinda antsy. (Hello, Judging personality archetype. Fancy meeting you here.) I have a party in 11 days and a rather large vacation in 2 months. I haven't had time to sit down and make a list of what I need to take with me, what I need to buy, make a timeline of when I need to get things done by, and all that shit.

I'm slowly going mad.

Yet here's the major problem: I can't disappoint people. I have a huge disappointment squick. I'm also not the type of person who can leave someone in the lurch. (Which is part of the reason I had such angst about quitting my job last year, aside from the income problem.) They need me, because they haven't got their full time person yet. I see it as a duty, of sorts, to cover this job until they get someone. (Why yes, I *am* ESTJ, one of whose ideal careers is the military.)

But it's costing me dearly. Possibly too dearly. I can feel myself slipping into places I'd rather not be.

But the sense of duty and unwillingness to disappoint are doing their part to keep me from saying no.

I may be committing meta in the near future. I have some thoughts percolating in the back of my mind, and I want to make them whole.