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This isn't a well-formulated post, or backed with fancy words. It's not even a manifesto (I wish I were that cool.) It's just something that's been kicking around in my head that I need to get out into words.
If I figure out why I decided to go to grad school, the only answer I can come up with is "because that's what people expected me to do."
If I figure out why I decided to do a residency and spend so much time focusing on clinical pharmacy and diabetes education, the only answer I can come up with is "because that's what people expected me to do."
If I figure out why I've done probably half the things I've done in my life, including get straight As in high school, the only answer I can come up with is "because that's what people expected me to do."
But who did? And did they really, or did I just *think* they did? Some of these "people" have names, professors, mostly, sometimes my teachers. Occasionally my mom (who asked me once, "why's this a B?" 10th grade English was annoying.)
A lot of my problem with wanting to meet others' expectations (which ties into my disappointment squick liek whoa) is probably related to the societal norm that girls and women are pliant and should be available to meet other people's needs. It's a lot of internalized patriarchical crap, no doubt.
Factor in to that that I was always "the smart one" growing up -- and that was my only identity. My sister? She was "the creative one," "the outgoing one." So for *years* I internalized that bullshit and denied that I had any creative talents, abilities, or desires, because that's Sis' domain. My domain was the brain. (She also got a lot of "oh, you're C's sister?" because she was only a year behind me in school. Sure, mom fought like hell to let *her* skip a grade, but not for me. Thanks yet again, mom.)
And smart girls and nerd girls don't do girly things, like wear make-up or dresses or funky shoes. Those are for the normal girls.
These are expectations thrust upon girls, from the time we're small, in hundreds and thousands of implicit ways. Smart female characters on TV look and act one way; good girls do as they're told. It's a whole lot of crap, and it'll probably take the rest of my life to dig my way out of it.
If I figure out why I decided to go to grad school, the only answer I can come up with is "because that's what people expected me to do."
If I figure out why I decided to do a residency and spend so much time focusing on clinical pharmacy and diabetes education, the only answer I can come up with is "because that's what people expected me to do."
If I figure out why I've done probably half the things I've done in my life, including get straight As in high school, the only answer I can come up with is "because that's what people expected me to do."
But who did? And did they really, or did I just *think* they did? Some of these "people" have names, professors, mostly, sometimes my teachers. Occasionally my mom (who asked me once, "why's this a B?" 10th grade English was annoying.)
A lot of my problem with wanting to meet others' expectations (which ties into my disappointment squick liek whoa) is probably related to the societal norm that girls and women are pliant and should be available to meet other people's needs. It's a lot of internalized patriarchical crap, no doubt.
Factor in to that that I was always "the smart one" growing up -- and that was my only identity. My sister? She was "the creative one," "the outgoing one." So for *years* I internalized that bullshit and denied that I had any creative talents, abilities, or desires, because that's Sis' domain. My domain was the brain. (She also got a lot of "oh, you're C's sister?" because she was only a year behind me in school. Sure, mom fought like hell to let *her* skip a grade, but not for me. Thanks yet again, mom.)
And smart girls and nerd girls don't do girly things, like wear make-up or dresses or funky shoes. Those are for the normal girls.
These are expectations thrust upon girls, from the time we're small, in hundreds and thousands of implicit ways. Smart female characters on TV look and act one way; good girls do as they're told. It's a whole lot of crap, and it'll probably take the rest of my life to dig my way out of it.
