Der Feuervogel aufersteht.

And when home alone for a weekend, I really need to make plans with people so that I can get out of my house and fill my I NEED PEOPLE quotient.

There's a self-perpetuating cycle of suck, you see. I'm home alone; I don't want to leave the house; I need to leave the house and see people; I don't have the motivation to leave the house; I start to get depressed and twitchy; I don't want to leave the house ... and so on.

I'm a Myers-Briggs extrovert. I *need* interpersonal interaction in realspace (not the internet). Talking on the phone can be acceptable, but it's not quite the same, either. Going somewhere where there are people and being alone is the worst. It's not just being around people; it's the interaction part that's required. Talking over coffee, whatever.

Since the vast majority of my friends (both in local realspace and the internet) are M-B introverts, I'm pretty much fucked.

and woken up incredibly stressed an hour before my alarm, which turned into lying in bed awake thinking about how to make the continuation of this contract sustainable (emotionally, physically), and being ready to kick my whiny cats across the room, I think I'm going to have to come up with a nice way to say, "Sorry, no."

I'm 30 pounds overweight. Standing for 8 hours puts a lot of strain on my knees (and ankles, apparently, because last night my ankle became extremely painful.) I'd like to work out, because that makes me less overweight and I enjoy it (I like being strong, and I want to be fit and muscular), but I don't want to tire my legs out before standing all fucking day. And when I get home from standing all fucking day, I don't want to get on my elliptical for 45 minutes, right after dinner and right before bed.

I don't have time to take care of myself psychologically. I know most of my friends are I types, so you probably don't get this, but I need interaction with people to stay sane. It's a huge part of why I was so miserable -- to the point of seeing a shrink and going on meds -- in Oregon. When I get home, I need to interact with Ben, see how my friends in the internet are doing, and triage my email. On a day I work, I have NO TIME to write.

Which is another huge problem! I need to get this writing done. And I need to read a non-fiction book before I can get edits done on a huge section of the novel (those pertaining to IranAlpha Centauri 7.)

Also, and those of you who've been here for a while are familiar with this, I Plan Things. If I don't have something I can plan (a party, vacation, costuming, writing...) I get kinda antsy. (Hello, Judging personality archetype. Fancy meeting you here.) I have a party in 11 days and a rather large vacation in 2 months. I haven't had time to sit down and make a list of what I need to take with me, what I need to buy, make a timeline of when I need to get things done by, and all that shit.

I'm slowly going mad.

Yet here's the major problem: I can't disappoint people. I have a huge disappointment squick. I'm also not the type of person who can leave someone in the lurch. (Which is part of the reason I had such angst about quitting my job last year, aside from the income problem.) They need me, because they haven't got their full time person yet. I see it as a duty, of sorts, to cover this job until they get someone. (Why yes, I *am* ESTJ, one of whose ideal careers is the military.)

But it's costing me dearly. Possibly too dearly. I can feel myself slipping into places I'd rather not be.

But the sense of duty and unwillingness to disappoint are doing their part to keep me from saying no.