Having slept on it...

[feuervogel]

and woken up incredibly stressed an hour before my alarm, which turned into lying in bed awake thinking about how to make the continuation of this contract sustainable (emotionally, physically), and being ready to kick my whiny cats across the room, I think I'm going to have to come up with a nice way to say, "Sorry, no."

I'm 30 pounds overweight. Standing for 8 hours puts a lot of strain on my knees (and ankles, apparently, because last night my ankle became extremely painful.) I'd like to work out, because that makes me less overweight and I enjoy it (I like being strong, and I want to be fit and muscular), but I don't want to tire my legs out before standing all fucking day. And when I get home from standing all fucking day, I don't want to get on my elliptical for 45 minutes, right after dinner and right before bed.

I don't have time to take care of myself psychologically. I know most of my friends are I types, so you probably don't get this, but I need interaction with people to stay sane. It's a huge part of why I was so miserable -- to the point of seeing a shrink and going on meds -- in Oregon. When I get home, I need to interact with Ben, see how my friends in the internet are doing, and triage my email. On a day I work, I have NO TIME to write.

Which is another huge problem! I need to get this writing done. And I need to read a non-fiction book before I can get edits done on a huge section of the novel (those pertaining to IranAlpha Centauri 7.)

Also, and those of you who've been here for a while are familiar with this, I Plan Things. If I don't have something I can plan (a party, vacation, costuming, writing...) I get kinda antsy. (Hello, Judging personality archetype. Fancy meeting you here.) I have a party in 11 days and a rather large vacation in 2 months. I haven't had time to sit down and make a list of what I need to take with me, what I need to buy, make a timeline of when I need to get things done by, and all that shit.

I'm slowly going mad.

Yet here's the major problem: I can't disappoint people. I have a huge disappointment squick. I'm also not the type of person who can leave someone in the lurch. (Which is part of the reason I had such angst about quitting my job last year, aside from the income problem.) They need me, because they haven't got their full time person yet. I see it as a duty, of sorts, to cover this job until they get someone. (Why yes, I *am* ESTJ, one of whose ideal careers is the military.)

But it's costing me dearly. Possibly too dearly. I can feel myself slipping into places I'd rather not be.

But the sense of duty and unwillingness to disappoint are doing their part to keep me from saying no.

Comments

[anacoluthon.livejournal.com]

I very nearly agreed to keep working part-time at my dermatology job after my official end date because they hadn't found anyone to take my position yet and it was just getting into the time of year when there was actual work for the residency coordinator to do. I have a tough time saying "no" to anyone so when my supervisor raised the possibility, I said "that might work" even though the entire point was to get the fuck out of that job as quickly as possible.

I had to go back later that day and say "actually, I can't. Sorry." I am sure I left them in a huge lurch but I had passed the point of caring, especially since they didn't seem to care about things that impacted my comfort such as another employee cornering me at my desk to ask for dates.
It sounds like your relationship with this job is much more cordial than mine was, so I recognize that it might be more difficult, but ultimately your first responsibility should be to take care of yourself. When you decline, you can just come out and say that you wish you could continue to help everyone out, that you enjoy working with them, etc. but you're on several deadlines and you need to take care of your personal business before you leave the country.

[feuervogel]

See, that's the thing -- I like the people I'm working with! They're nice, for the most part, and we talk and chat, and one of the girls who works with the controlled meds wants me to stay there forever (the other control girl offered me to stay in her house during the week so I wouldn't have to drive as much.)

Give me a job, and if it's within my capabilities, I'll be damn good at it. I'm efficient, organized, and all the things you need a pharmacist to be (especially when you're dealing with 150+ scrips an hour.)

Ben suggested that I should say that I've been expecting the contract to end this week, so I've made some commitments starting next week. (And god damn I need a haircut. I can make a ponytail! I'm also a year and a half overdue for my 6-month LASIK follow-up.)

[listener.livejournal.com]

Ben's suggestion is excellent. It keeps you on friendly terms with them for potential future work, but still gives you an out.

[anacoluthon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know it's a lot harder when you like who you're working with. I guess my point is that you need to take care of yourself first, and if that means leaving them in a bad spot, you can be apologetic and say "I really enjoy working here, but..." so they know you're not being a jerk.

Ben's thought is definitely good as well.