Writing post of the day

[feuervogel]

352 words on a new scene. It needs a good bit of work, and I'm not sure I like the thing revealed in the snippet I'm posting. Blackwell needs to be a threat; this is off the top of my head.

“Another thing. The man in charge of security is named Blackwell. It sounds familiar, but I can’t place it.”

Hikaru recognized it too well. “Miss Grünewald, could you please find Mr. Winter for me?”

Metin hid his surprise quickly. After Grünewald left, he said, “I take it you know of him.”

“He’s ex-Hessian. He was kicked out for taking bribes. My uncle caught him and Grandfather signed the paperwork.”

Your thoughts? Blackwell is the mercenary commander on the other side. This makes him more likely to deduce certain things about our covert friends. The alternative I've come up with is that he and Hikaru's uncle or grandfather had some sort of combatish interaction with him, or had heard he's a particularly heartless bastard (though I kind of have that with a different bad guy, and I don't want to be repetitive.)

Comments

[anthimeria]

I think it's a good thought--Blackwell definitely needs to be more of a threatening presence in the book--and him being an ex-Hessian for taking bribes sets up the relative morals (inasmuch as a mercenary group can have morals) of each merc company fairly neatly. That said, the dialogue there seems a little stilted, and there might be a better way to reveal the information than to have Hikaru state it straightforwardly (for a first reveal to the reader, anyway. She can certainly state it later for the character's benefit!).

I am quite glad Blackwell is getting more attention, he was just a vague mysterious "there's something scary there" in the draft I read.

[feuervogel]

I hadn't figured out what to do with him in the first draft :) I think I only decided he needed to be an antagonist around the time I introduced him, then wrote myself a note that said, "hey, do something with this guy."

[thesmallwonder.livejournal.com]

I don't know exactly how you need to use Blackwell, but maybe you need something more drastic then "bribes" to make him threatening? Or if you like the bribe angle, have a snippet about him getting violent when it was reported? It just feels like it should be something scarier then, "Dudes slipped him a few twenties!"

Couple of ideas:
War Crimes? (That's drastic tho, dunno if you want to go that scary)
Racist and kicked out for it?
Merciless/enjoyed killing?

[feuervogel]

He's the power behind the dictator, the man who can order his troops to fire on civilians.

The bribes he accepted weren't "a few twenties," and even if it were so small, the Hessian code of ethics demands him to be kicked out. Cops who take bribes or mishandle evidence or whatever are discharged from the police force. Same deal.

The Hessians have 3 main charges: station security, including customs and immigration, special forces (swat teams), and space security.

[beth_leonard]

had heard he's a particularly heartless bastard

Whenever a character is described this way, it leaves me wondering "why?" It's about as much characterization as "thoughtless bimbo." If you need a bad guy, a stronger novel gives the motivations for the bad guy to be bad, or to think he's doing the right thing, or why he took the bribes because his mom was dying of a disease he couldn't afford the medicine for, or his wife just divorced him and he couldn't maintain his lifestyle *and* pay the child support and he didn't see how taking bribes would hurt others, after all, everyone did it, or something.

--Beth

[feuervogel]

Personal enrichment is an all-too-common reason for graft. Enron, DeLay, investment bankers.

"Everybody does it" won't fly in the Hessian company. They don't do it. Except the handful who do and are kicked out. The point is to set up one of the main differences between the Hessians and the Martians. One is generally honest and law-abiding (even as they enforce the laws: cops aren't above the law, after all); the other ignores graft and corruption unless it really screws things up (ie, undermines the leadership's authority, etc).