Extrovert problems

[feuervogel]

So, I work from home, and I don't really see anyone outside the pub anymore. I've been too busy to throw a party for a while (though I intend to have a 40th birthday bash), and my entire social life consists of sitting with my husband on our couch.

This is ... inadequate.

I don't get invited to parties, or "hey, we haven't seen each other in ages, let's hang out this weekend," or anything where I can feel something like an emotional connection to someone other than my husband. (OK, some newish friends from the pub invited us to poker night next weekend, but that doesn't sound like the kind of thing where you can hang out and talk about stuff, since you're playing poker.)

I like doing stuff with people! But I don't know how to get people to invite me places. No one thinks of me when they think "people I want to have at my NYE party" or whatever. This is why I keep telling Ben I don't feel like I have any friends at all anymore. Even the people I was closest to who live on the other side of the country now I feel like I've drifted really far from.

I don't know how to make it better.

Comments

[neotoma]

Is there something preventing you from making the first move?

[feuervogel]

In part, time and money--I don't have the money to spend on throwing parties as often as I used to, and I've somehow lost track of time. (Potlucks aren't ideal, because I'm vegetarian and most other folks would bring meat. So I would usually cook stuff. One year we made individual pizzas on pita bread on the grill for my birthday, which was great because I just bought a bunch of veg toppings (sauce, cheese, onions, bell peppers, mushrooms) and people assembled them. But my birthday is in March so it's a crapshoot if the weather will be good or terrible.)

Another part is that I don't think people like me or want to see me, so I think they'd say no to an invitation regardless. This is reinforced by people not inviting me to things, in a delightful ouroboros.

[ruthling]

making friends is hard. :( Are there things you like doing that are out in the world? Find a group of people who do them?

[feuervogel]

I like drinking beer, writing & reading SFF, running... lots of very solitary activities. Which is a problem! I thought about joining my local running club after a 5k in May, but they run at 8 am on Sunday (and Wednesday evenings in summer), and that's a little early for me. (I usually get out the door for my Sunday morning run around 8:30, so it's only a *little* early, but with the timing of my thyroid meds (30 minutes before breakfast) and eating breakfast and digesting a bit, it's tricky.)

[zombieallomorph]

I get not being able to throw parties at your own home and having money issues, but I think you still need to make the first move. Like, asking people to go to the movies together (not super cheap, but once in a while maybe?), or to just grab a coffee somewhere (not free, but if you eat before and really just have a coffee?). Or look up things that are free & going on in your city, and ask people to accompany you? Even/especially if it's a bit out of your comfort zone?
Or if you like running, maybe ask people if they want to join you?

Even if they say no, you might eventually be on their radar for social things again.

[feuervogel]

I asked Ben, who usually suffers from Geek Male Fix-it Disease, what we could do to solve my extrovert problems and he went "uhhhhh..." :| So I said maybe we could try game night again, and he was vaguely positive about that. As much as I'd like one-on-one time with a lot of the people I want to see, the thought of arranging individual meetups with over a dozen people makes me want to hide forever, because time constraints. So group events it is.

(Frustratingly, this guy I know who is sort of a social hub is friends with the abusive asshole I refuse to be around, so I won't go to his shindigs, and he knows why. So I may be off his radar, who knows.)

I might like a running buddy, but I don't know anyone else locally who runs (or who also has available running time around 8:30 am on a weekday.)

[ckd]

Argh, indeed. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I'm still looking for one myself at the moment (due to a major life circumstances change); while I'd be more than happy to invite you to things once I get to the point of being able to plan them, distance will be a factor.

[feuervogel]

Thanks. Distance is definitely a major factor in seeing cool people, because time and money to get to the places with a high concentration of cool people aren't always available :/ And it's not just the really distant places that involve flying; I live about 20 minutes from Chapel Hill & Durham, and it may as well be California for all I see friends who live there.

[blimix.livejournal.com]

I put out lots of invitations. Even when people don't respond (it's often mass mail that doesn't call for a response), I think it helps keep me in their minds as someone to possibly do stuff with.

Also, poker night is a way to get familiar with people, which can lead to other social opportunities later. I've gone out hiking and dining with people I met through board game night. Don't just pass up opportunities like that. *hugs*

[feuervogel]

TBH I just don't *do* that much lately. I have tai chi class Monday (and probably another one Tuesday starting this week, since I like sword a lot), then trivia night Wednesday. Add in homework & travel to class (Russian), and where's my time?

I tried getting a monthly board game night going, but that didn't pan out. It's also hard to chat if your plan is gaming (or you just chat the whole time and don't game, which is fun but not what was on the tin).

Poker night could be interesting, though I already know a lot of the people who go, mostly from the pub but one guy is another tai chi student in my school. /o\

[tiurin.livejournal.com]

What my HS friends and I did for poker night when we were back on break was order pizza about halfway through. Then we'd eat pizza and talk until everyone was done before playing again. Whoever won last time pays for pizza this time.

Also, given the amount of folding in poker, there's also plenty of talking.

[feuervogel]

They used to do it as a potluck, but now it's going to be a snack/dessert-luck. Also, gambling for money at all in your home is illegal in North Carolina, even penny ante, so making the winner buy food would suck for the winner.

[beth_leonard]

Emotional sympathy answer:
This sounds rough. It's hard for one person to meet all of another person's social needs.

Fix-it answer:
Is there someone in your life who is looking for an exercise buddy? I meet my friend from church every Monday and Friday at the gym and we walk the treadmills for half an hour together and chat before doing our separate things on the weight machines. Our stated fitness goal is to drag our bodies into the building, and neither one of us has the willpower to do it without the other. This is the time of year when people make resolutions, so it might be a good time to find someone. Do you have a neighborhood mailing list? You could ask on that to see if there is someone interested in walking with you regularly.

Given that you are an extrovert with hobbies/interests that generally appeal to introverts, one might expect that the ask/invitation ratio would be larger than one. The extroverted person might ask people to do things with her 10 times for every one time that an introverted person invites her to do things with them. The introvert is more likely to decline invitations on flimsy excuses because they feel like, "I've already socialized once this week, I can't handle another one."

You are clearly not interested in topics that frequently appeal to people in your age demographic (raising children) so much like lesbians at Mudd, your pool of candidates is small and you have to work extra hard to cultivate acceptable social contacts. Your life satisfaction difficulty switch is not set to "easy" right now.

--Beth

[feuervogel]

My neighborhood has a facebook group, which I was kicked out of because I said "rude" things about the HOA. (What I said was basically "you know, as much as it's been raining lately, you'd think the HOA would understand that we can't mow our lawns every 3 days because it's wet all the time and would cut down the nastygrams." Which was rude and awful and ban-worthy. *eyeroll*) I typically run by myself because I like it.

I did consider joining the local run club, but their Sunday 8 am run doesn't really work for me. (I'd have to get up early in order to take my empty-stomach meds, wait 30 minutes to eat, then wait 30 minutes before exercise and drive 10 minutes into town. The 10-minute drive can be included in the digestion time.)

My hobbies that involve people are tai chi (which is only not solitary if you have class, and that isn't social time) and going to the pub. Talking about SFF is also social, but it really only works if other people have read the same books as you and are interested in, say, speculating about what Miles Vorkosigan would do if he'd been the one to hatch Temeraire. Which would be a hell of a panel at a convention.

Honestly, mostly what I want to do is sit around and shoot the breeze with friends, whether that's over dinner out or beers at someone's house, I don't care. But the friends I want to do that with aren't close by, and the ones close by don't feel very close these days.