Am I being weird about this?

[feuervogel]

My sister is pregnant. I want to crochet her (baby) a blanket.

I emailed my mom to ask if that's something she'd like, and mom replies that I should email sis a picture of the pattern and let her decide if she wants it and pick a color.

Isn't that the opposite of a gift? I'd planned to go to the store and pick out a pattern from a book and some yarn, or get yarn that has a pattern on the label. I want to make something very neutral gendered: no pink or blue, no patterns (hearts or flowers). I saw a book of afghan crochet (the kind of crochet that's like single-hook knitting) baby blankets, and I liked one of the patterns in it.

Honestly, now I don't even want to bother.

Anyway, internets, am I wrong for being upset that I should let a gift be dictated?

Comments

[twistedchick]

Yes -- they're acting very controlling. Rather like some of my own relatives, who notably do not have baby blankets from me while some of my friends do. You don't have to accept or buy into what they want. This isn't about them. It's about you wanting to give something of yourself.

If you want to make a blanket, find a pattern you like and a color or colors you think will work, and let it be what you want it to be. And then give it to whoever you want to give it to.

[feuervogel]

Thanks! My sister asked my mom to make 3 afghans (one for the baby and 2 for her boyfriend's kids from his previous marriage) and they discussed patterns and such. But this isn't the same thing, you know? She's due in like February, and at the pace I crochet, I can have it done by then (and hopefully launder the cat hair out of it -_- )

[twistedchick]

You do what you want -- and it will be beautiful.

I still have bits and pieces of the knitted things my older cousin made for me when I was born -- fairly simple acrylic sweater and bonnet and mitts, in a light yellow. The baby blanket did not survive; it was loved to pieces.

[groovesinorbit]

Hey, cool to see you over here. :)

[bossymarmalade]

I fall kind of in the middle on this: I don't think you need to pre-plan it entirely with your sister, but asking her what her favourite colours are and then choosing one might not be a bad idea! That way you don't need to tell her what you're making, and you can pick a pattern that you like, but you can be guaranteed that she'll at least like the colour.

I see what twistedchick is saying, that it's something you want to give them of yourself, but at the same time you want it to be something they'd enjoy and use! And if you know it's gonna be a big Thing asking what colour she'd prefer, it's also totally valid to not make anything either. Lord knows I've ended up doing that in some occasions where it was guaranteed to be a pain in the ass to involve the person, heh.

[feuervogel]

My mom said what colors my sister likes (magenta and silver-grey), so I can use that as a palette. Though when I was at the craft store a couple weeks ago (for costume stuff), there weren't any baby yarns in those colors. Ehn, we'll see.

[bossymarmalade]

BABY YARNS! That sounds so adorable, I'm not a knitter so I didn't realize there were specific baby yarns! Makes sense now that you've said it though.

Good luck with however this goes!

[feuervogel]

Baby yarns are mostly just really soft and synthetic (acrylic) for washing ease. They come in medium to bulky weights, depending on what you're making. (I want to use bulky, because it goes faster! Also I have trouble using smaller hooks.) Like this: http://www.joann.com/bernat-softee-baby-yarn/prd12377.html

[bossymarmalade]

Oho! Yes, the bulky ones look like they'd make for really snuggly, awesome blankets, too.

The last time I crocheted anything I was eleven and I determinedly made collars for the cat that he scraped off within ten seconds of them touching his body, hee!

[feuervogel]

YESSSS I kind of want to use baby yarn to make my own lap blanket. It's so soft and fluffy.

[yvi]

I knitted a baby blanket for my nephew, which took me a lot of time and I think they never used it... So maybe it would be worth it to ask if they'd appreciate having one? But I don't think you should ask whether your chosen color and pattern are okay. If they don't like it they don't have to use it.

[feuervogel]

That's what I intended when I emailed my mom. (Actually, I asked, "Do you think she'd appreciate that?") Then she said I should let her decide what pattern and everything, at which point the joy was sucked out of it. So meh.

[yvi]

That sucks :-( Might it be worth it to just ask her instead? Sometimes people just do too much "gatekeeping". She might be absolutely delighted at the idea and be really happy with anything you do.

(my sister was happy, too, by the way, I just don't think it ever got used)

[feuervogel]

I replied to my mom and told her what I'd been planning and said that if it would be rejected because sis didn't pick it out herself, I won't do it. Depending on what mom says, I might ask my sister directly, though I kind of wanted it to be a surprise. *flail*

[groovesinorbit]

Agreeing with twistedchick. While a lot of people think that way about gifts, I don't. I remember a poet once said something about how he always gave his own favorite flowers to people because he felt like it was giving a part of himself. Can't remember who said it, though.

And that seems controlling in its own right, but I don't think that was the intention.

[krait]

I disagree with letting sister dictate every aspect of it! That's a gift, but it's not the gift of a baby blanket; it's the gift of X hours of your knitting time, i.e. a custom order.

I do, however, think it would be a great idea to ask what her chosen nursery colours are. Nothing more specific than that! That way SHE doesn't know what you're making, and YOU don't have to be bound to a particular design. (If she's doing the nursery in a colour you can't match, you can easily pick a neutral that will blend in harmoniously, and she'll never know or be disappointed that you couldn't do the precise thing she was envisioning.)

[blimix.livejournal.com]

If it starts out with your offer to your sister, rather than a request from her, then it's a gift. Giving her some input about the pattern and the color doesn't make it less of a gift. (If your gift is to take someone out to dinner, letting them order their own meal doesn't negate its gift status.) She doesn't have to dictate it: You can first establish what sorts of patterns/colors you are and are not willing to work with, and ask for her input within those bounds.

Unfortunately, that precludes impulse shopping for yarn and patterns. If this ruins your enjoyment of making the blanket, then don't do it.

[feuervogel]

It feels a bit more like an obligation, if I have to get approval in order to do it. It doesn't feel as much like giving something of myself. Mom mentioned the colors she likes, and I can look for those, but if the store doesn't have any, well, something pretty will have to do.

[tiercel]

If it had been your idea to give your sister input, then that would be fine. Having your mother basically turn it into a made-to-order blanket turns it into an obligation instead of a spontaneous gift, and that sucks. My feeling on making baby blankets has always been: "I made you a baby blanket. Here you go." They like it, great! They don't like it, they know where the Goodwill is, and somebody there will sure as heck like it. Either way it's not a waste.

[feuervogel]

My sister asked mom to make blankets for the baby and her boyfriend's kids, so they worked out patterns and stuff. Mom mentioned the colors she's looking at, and I can try to use those as a palette, but only if Joann's or Michaels has them in stock.

But yeah, it does kind of feel like an obligation instead of a gift, so that could be it. I wrote back to mom and said what I'd been planning, and if it'll be some unwanted thing because sis didn't pick it out herself, I won't bother.

I'd like to get better at Tunisian crochet anyway, and if I can practice on a baby blanket, yay.

[chalgaryn.livejournal.com]

At most I would be tempted to say something vague like, "Hey, I was thinking about making something for the baby. Are there any particular colors you would prefer (or actively dislike)?" Since you already know the colors she's looking at, it really doesn't seem necessary to get any more input than that. And don't feel limited by those colors, just keep them in mind when choosing colors to try to pick something that won't clash horribly with her color palette.

[beth_leonard]

When I was pregnant with Peter we received no less than 7 hand-made baby blankets. When Amber was born we received another 3. I treasured all of them because they were made by people I cared about who cared about me, many of whom knew me from when I was little (women in my mother's Bible study group made several.)

Most of the other store-bought stuff people gave me from when the kids were babies has been passed on, but I still have the hand-made blankets because I'm sentimental like that. No one asked me about colors or anything, and they ranged from light-forest green, to silky white, to google-colored.

The thing about having a lot of baby blankets is that (at least in this area) people tend to stash them in the diaper bag, and then when you go somewhere, you spread the blanket out on the floor before setting your baby down on places people have been walking. You wash them and rotate through them, so plan for using something that is washable. The larger blankets are good for when the child is a little older (18 m) and wants to sleep with something, because the infant-sized ones are too small for that.

With your family, I get the feeling people could manage to not appreciate something whether it was made-to-order or not, so I'd say "do it" if you would enjoy doing it and feel love toward your sister and her baby while making it, and "don't do it" if you'd feel resentment during the process.

--Beth