Progress report

[feuervogel]

FOUR scenes edited today, +534, 89,337, 16 days left. There remain 6 or 7 scenes to revise, some of which need more work than others.

No one will understand this part, though, and that could be a problem.

Blackwell’s forehead creased. “Breach of contract is serious, as I’m sure you know.” His lips curled slightly. “I’m at a disadvantage. I don’t know which company has bested mine.”

“Das weißt du doch.”

The smug smile vanished at her insult. “You’re quite right. I do know who you are, Miss Hessian Security.”

I don't want to spend exposition on du vs sie, though I've already mentioned earlier on (repeatedly) that the native language of Hikaru and co is German, and said once that their security company is the only one that uses German. Non-German-speakers, what do you think?

I suppose I could say "her insulting use of the familiar/informal? 'you'" or something to that effect. In the past, I've indicated what language people are speaking by dialogue tags (s/he said in English/German/Turkish/Farsi, yes all of those), but this ... is different, obviously, and doesn't work in English. Argh.

Comments

[sabeth]

Even as a German speaker, I'd kind of want that clarification, tbh. I don't know how their relationship is set up, but it's not like the familiar form first and foremost signifies an insult to me, so even I'd probably be a bit confused as to what the insult actually was.

I like "her insulting use of the familiar 'you'" though. Sounds pretty smooth to me, and not overly explanatory.

[feuervogel]

Ah, good point. Though in the context of the scene, I hope that's clear (she's taken him prisoner). Will ponder the half a sentence of explanation.

[anthimeria]

As someone who knows no languages other than American English, it reads fine as is.

Of course, I'm also usually content just to get that an insult has happened--for me, it's not necessary to know exactly what the insult was unless it has plot or character evolution implications.

Mind you, if it does, than it'll have to be worked in!

Is there a reason you chose that particular insult?

[feuervogel]

What she actually says is "You do know that," but she uses the form of you one uses with inferiors, equals, or children, rather than the one used for strangers and superiors. It's the tu-vous distinction. (And slightly more complicated and nuanced than I summarized it there.)

So she's using du here because she wants to be rude to him and let him know that she (a major) doesn't view him (a general) as someone worthy of her respect. It's not something that translates well into English, annoyingly.

[kirin]

It may be okay as is... it reads as being given and taken as an insult, so most readers will probably just accept it. It feels like an explanatory aside there would break the pacing. Now, if you could work the du/sie explanation into some *earlier* scene, perhaps with some Hessian explaining it to a non-native speaker off hand, then readers who remembered that could feel clever.

[chalgaryn.livejournal.com]

I think most people will interpret this as an untranslatable German insult without worrying about what exactly the insult is. If you want people to get that the insult is due to the informal choice of words, you could say something like "her insulting informality" or "her insultingly informal language" and leave it at that.

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

I add my voice to the "at her insultingly informal address" or "at her inappropriate familiarity" or summat to that effect. Best of all would be to work in an earlier exposition regarding the implied insult of using informal address on a stranger, but failing that, a quick explanation would help. Even as a DaF speaker, I think it would take me a bit to figure out the "insult" without that context.

[feuervogel]

Additionally, he's a general (in a different company) and she's a major, so really unter Offizieren, just out of simple respect they should use Sie (says a German I know on twitter).

On further thought, I could possibly work in a brief "don't be so formal" in a much earlier scene with different characters, when Atesh goes to his aunt and uncle's for dinner, and he has a brief freakout over which pronoun to use...

[smarriveurr.livejournal.com]

I think if you give Atesh a nice expository freakout that explains how using the familiar inappropriately is insulting, you might be able to get away with not explaining it in the scene. Still might not hurt to call attention to it.