This is entirely uncharitable of me

[feuervogel]

My mother is more excited about my sister's new baby (Clara Rose, born just before midnight last night) than about me getting a doctoral degree.

To be fair, she is also more excited about my sister's new baby than my sister's college degree or any of her achievements in theater.

Not that that makes it a whole lot better, really. It just makes it less about me and more about my mom only valuing baby baby baby.

Comments

[krait]

Aaaagh. I feel your pain.

Today I received a card from a friend I haven't heard from in months; in fact, the last actual mail I received from her was when she had a child and sent a birth announcement. (This in itself is reasonable - we live in the same city, we don't really need to mail letters to each other!) Looking at it, I felt certain I knew what was in it, as I couldn't think of any other reason she'd send me a card; she hasn't bothered to contact me in months, and I don't even see her at church anymore, so she must either have stopped going or started attending service at a different hour. I was certain that the card must be a "Baby X is having a birthday party!" invitation. Read: You've seen him maybe twice, but I want you to bring him a present!

When I opened it, however?

It was a birth announcement for another child! I felt... slightly bad for my uncharitable thoughts. :D (But also a bit baffled as to why she'd send me an announcement, when it seems clear to me that she has no real interest in socialising and I know she's aware that I'm not a baby person. Oh, well; at least it wasn't a baby shower invitation!)

It gave me this moment of "Wow, I just really do not get the attraction other people have to this concept", though - everybody seems to be nuts for the idea of reproducing, while I regard it with a sort of mild horror and distant disinterest.

(My mother, on the other hand? Is firmly in your mother's camp. I suspect she spends time dreaming up names for her nonexistent future grandchildren; I know she spends time praying I'll find a husband!)

[feuervogel]

My mom has wanted a grandchild since I got married 15 years ago. (Though honestly? She's probably wanted a grandchild since I was BORN.)

I do not understand wanting to be pregnant or have babies or raise them. At all. I know why, for me, anyway. The thought of being pregnant squicks me out like whoa, and then you have small humans dependent on you for everything, and I really don't want people being dependent on me. Cats are about the most dependency I can handle.

I have a lot of thoughts on my ambivalence to this child and my mom's reaction, which will be a separate, longer, locked post.

[krait]

Yep, very much the same here. Pregnancy is a squicktastic load of DO NOT WANT, and I don't have the patience for children. I cannot conceive (heh) of any appeal whatsoever in listening to spit bubbles and wiping bums; nor am I delighted by the thought of the years that follow.

(Funny story: mum was talking about a cousin's baby, once, and how it was a year old; I asked whether it was talking yet, and was horrified when she said "no" - asked if something was wrong. Learnt that nope, babies still can't talk at that age, normally! Went away with another data point against ever attempting reproduction; imagine pouring yourself and your resources into a bottomless drain for a year and the thing still can't even communicate?!)

I look forward to your locked post, at some future date. ♥

[groovesinorbit]

Yeah, with any women my age and older that I know, it's all about the grandkids. I don't get it. But I've never understood the obsession with popping out babies. I mean, I get it. Our hormones want us to reproduce. But damn it, we're more than our hormones.

[krait]

See, that's the thing that adds additional frustration for me - my hormones seem to agree with the rest of me that reproducing is a boring, slighty squicky idea and we're keeping out of it!

It makes it somewhat harder for me to say things like "we're more than our hormones" because, well, what if they retort with "how would you know?" :P It's nice that other people who presumably do know are willing to say it!

[groovesinorbit]

And that's how I figured it out! Had a moment in my 30s when something in me kinda wanted a baby. Thought I was going nuts until I realized where the rebellion must be coming from.

I don't think I've actually said that specifically, but I take joy in being the one 50-some woman in the group disagreeing with the rest, when they're trying to brainwash younger folks into the joys of childbearing. :)

[krait]

Aha! That must've been a bit of a shock; I'd have thought I was going nuts, too! I'm 32, though, so I suspect my hormones are permanently set to "nope". :D

when they're trying to brainwash younger folks into the joys of childbearing

Aaaaargh, that is the most annoying thing! I always want to suggest, straight-faced, that they take up skiing/fencing/some other hobby of mine that other people would regard as tedious or dangerous. "No, really! Yes, there's a risk of getting stabbed and the bruises will hurt like the dickens for the first few years and you'll probably feel like a taxi cab for all the miles you've driven out of your way, but it's so wonderful; everybody should do it!! Why wouldn't you want to give up your spare time, your bodily integrity, and your basic comfort in order to become a fencer?"

[groovesinorbit]

So, you have another 10-ish years of getting hassled for no kids, most like. My sympathies. I was so happy to reach the age where I'm on the other side of the coin. It's a relief!

Oh, you should suggest that! I would love to see the look on the women's faces.

What it feels like to me, in my experience of being told I would change my mind/it's just a phase/everyone wants babies, is rationalization. "I went through this bullshit for some reason. Better pass it on." The look of betrayal on their faces when I start up with, "Well, you can be perfectly content without children, as well..." is an odd thing.

[krait]

Yes! Rationalisation - that's exactly what it sounds like in my ears, too. Especially the ones who want to join in the horror stories/insane details of child being annoying/the various things they suffered for the sake of some kid.

If the person you're talking to hasn't suffered through what you've had to suffer, there's a much greater chance they're going to greet your "funny story" about child-induced sleep deprivation/poop all over something/screaming baby in inappropriate public place with wow, no thanks; I'm gonna go get an IUD and spend my extra money on a trip to Paris instead of sympathy and oh, wow, that's even worse than what my little darling did, haha! Better make it sound like the first one isn't an option! Insist that's a phase, for maximum smug "I am more evolved and mature than you" points.

And as for "everyone wants babies" - that one's always struck my ear as somebody trying to rationalise the fact that they took a life-altering decision without pausing to so much as consider thinking about it first. I assume that person didn't bother to ask themselves whether they wanted parenthood; it happened, and rather than face up to their lack of self-knowledge, they just decide that they *must* have wanted it: if everyone wants it, then so did they, no thought required! And that means they fulfilled their desire, rather than screwed themselves over by totally failing to analyse their goals/plans and learn about their options!

The look of betrayal on their faces when I start up with, "Well, you can be perfectly content without children, as well..." is an odd thing.

Haha, I just bet! I wish you had a video clip. :D

[groovesinorbit]

Heh. Agreed on all that. Although, for a lot of folks, it may be a cool thing to have and raise kids. A couple of my best friends have two kids who are just starting life on their own, and they're happy as clams about how everything turned out.

Of course, they've never hassled me about my lack of kids. I wonder if you're really happy in your choice, you don't feel the need to do the brainwashing?

[krait]

Yep, I have met a few cool parents out there, but a key feature of that is definitely "understands it's a job and a chore sometimes, and not everybody wants to sign up for it"!

But then, I consider peer pressure the sign of an immature mind, so that makes perfect sense. If you need me to do something in order to convince yourself your choice is valid... maybe you should reconsider your choice. If you *really* want to do something, you don't care whether it's what everybody is doing! Life is not a popularity contest: you don't get points for picking the most common path, and you don't get points for coercing others to join you.

[groovesinorbit]

Ah, but you do get points! Not from folks like us, certainly. But the status quo rewards board. They hand out points for shit like that constantly. That's part of the problem.

[feuervogel]

I know! Like, the most important thing my sister or I could do is dispense a grandchild. Fuck that!

I'm going to write a long, locked post on this subject later.

[groovesinorbit]

Looking forward to reading it.

[kriski]

oh dear. my mother actually told me once i wasn't a real woman unless and until i had given birth to a child. i'm with you about pregnacy being yucky. the thought of having another organism growing inside me squicks me out. go you for persuing the doctorate degree! i'll be here to cheer you on ;-)

[krait]

Oooh, urgh, I want to say rude things to your mother on your behalf!

(Have you considered presenting her with a tapeworm in a jar? "Here, mum - I know you've been waiting for the day that I would nurture new life inside me and bring it forth into the world; I finally managed that!")

My mum isn't quite that bad, but she did once tell me that "all her life all she really wanted was to be a mother" with the sort of wistful look that implied that I must surely follow in her footsteps regarding said desire. And she's asked my dad in my presence "Wouldn't we be wonderful grandparents?" or some such thing. Try harder, mum! Maybe spraypaint REPRODUCE on a brick and chuck it at my head?

[ruthling]

Another no-thanks-no-babies here. I assumed I'd change my mind, but reached 35 without and went through the hoops of having myself fixed :)

I kind of feel bad for my mom, she got one grandkid, from my brother and that was kinda sorta an accident, but she's never pressured me otherwise.

[chalgaryn.livejournal.com]

It may be that she is more excited about the baby because, unlike the doctoral degree or theater achievements, it's a thing that she has done and understands.

[tiurin.livejournal.com]

Plus I think the baby is a different type of excitement. I think I'd be more excited about my sister having a baby than any of her business achievements. Pretty soon, I'd be able to play with the cute baby. I can't exactly play with her sales records.

[feuervogel]

I suppose that could be it, but Mom likes my sister better, and lives much closer, but she hasn't gone to see any of her shows--which are a thing you can enjoy! We always used to go to dinner theater when I was younger, and we'd go to all the school plays, so I know theater is a thing she can understand. (She lives in Charles Town, WV; my sister is in University Park. Mom doesn't drive on the highway. She'll only go places if someone else will drive her.)

There's actually a really long post I could write about this whole situation, especially after the long text conversation I had with my sister last week, and rather than leave it as a comment, I think I'll write it in the next few days.

[feuervogel]

She really likes babies. She's wanted a grandchild since Ben and I got married. Every time one of my cousins had a baby, she would spend family gatherings holding it for hours.

It's actually a bit more complicated, and rather than leave the explanation as a comment, I'm going to make another post sometime.