Well, I think the person who has the pronoun used on them does have an obligation to take into consideration whether the person who used a non-choice pronoun had an ability to know the person's preference and should reasonably be expected to be aware of it.
For example, when I was on IRC using a gender-neutral nick, there was no way for anyone just meeting me to be aware of my gender. When people used "he" in reference to me, it would have been unreasonable for me to take offense. It would have been reasonable for me to correct them (politely) and they should then take responsibility for using the correct pronoun, but I feel that expecting an apology would be unreasonable and they do not bear responsibility for hurting me, since it wasn't really reasonable to expect them to avoid it.
If somebody ignores a known and stated wish, I have a problem with it. But I am not willing to say that someone else's sensitivity is my problem if I make a reasonable mistake in a situation where I don't have much reason to know better. I'm all for respecting other people's right to choose their self-identification, but you just cannot expect strangers to know your self-identification until you tell them. They will get it wrong. Just as strangers will do other annoying things like mispronounce names or such. Someone who does that should be corrected, but you have to suck it up and not hold it against them unless they are unwilling to fix the mistake. Someone who repeatedly doesn't get your name right, that's a different matter.
If a good faith error impacts someone so strongly that they are deeply hurt, then they ought to work on those personal issues.
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chiming
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Date: 2010-06-23 06:02 am (UTC)From:For example, when I was on IRC using a gender-neutral nick, there was no way for anyone just meeting me to be aware of my gender. When people used "he" in reference to me, it would have been unreasonable for me to take offense. It would have been reasonable for me to correct them (politely) and they should then take responsibility for using the correct pronoun, but I feel that expecting an apology would be unreasonable and they do not bear responsibility for hurting me, since it wasn't really reasonable to expect them to avoid it.
If somebody ignores a known and stated wish, I have a problem with it. But I am not willing to say that someone else's sensitivity is my problem if I make a reasonable mistake in a situation where I don't have much reason to know better. I'm all for respecting other people's right to choose their self-identification, but you just cannot expect strangers to know your self-identification until you tell them. They will get it wrong. Just as strangers will do other annoying things like mispronounce names or such. Someone who does that should be corrected, but you have to suck it up and not hold it against them unless they are unwilling to fix the mistake. Someone who repeatedly doesn't get your name right, that's a different matter.
If a good faith error impacts someone so strongly that they are deeply hurt, then they ought to work on those personal issues.