This is entirely uncharitable of me

[feuervogel]

My mother is more excited about my sister's new baby (Clara Rose, born just before midnight last night) than about me getting a doctoral degree.

To be fair, she is also more excited about my sister's new baby than my sister's college degree or any of her achievements in theater.

Not that that makes it a whole lot better, really. It just makes it less about me and more about my mom only valuing baby baby baby.

Comments

[groovesinorbit]

Yeah, with any women my age and older that I know, it's all about the grandkids. I don't get it. But I've never understood the obsession with popping out babies. I mean, I get it. Our hormones want us to reproduce. But damn it, we're more than our hormones.

[krait]

See, that's the thing that adds additional frustration for me - my hormones seem to agree with the rest of me that reproducing is a boring, slighty squicky idea and we're keeping out of it!

It makes it somewhat harder for me to say things like "we're more than our hormones" because, well, what if they retort with "how would you know?" :P It's nice that other people who presumably do know are willing to say it!

[groovesinorbit]

And that's how I figured it out! Had a moment in my 30s when something in me kinda wanted a baby. Thought I was going nuts until I realized where the rebellion must be coming from.

I don't think I've actually said that specifically, but I take joy in being the one 50-some woman in the group disagreeing with the rest, when they're trying to brainwash younger folks into the joys of childbearing. :)

[krait]

Aha! That must've been a bit of a shock; I'd have thought I was going nuts, too! I'm 32, though, so I suspect my hormones are permanently set to "nope". :D

when they're trying to brainwash younger folks into the joys of childbearing

Aaaaargh, that is the most annoying thing! I always want to suggest, straight-faced, that they take up skiing/fencing/some other hobby of mine that other people would regard as tedious or dangerous. "No, really! Yes, there's a risk of getting stabbed and the bruises will hurt like the dickens for the first few years and you'll probably feel like a taxi cab for all the miles you've driven out of your way, but it's so wonderful; everybody should do it!! Why wouldn't you want to give up your spare time, your bodily integrity, and your basic comfort in order to become a fencer?"

[groovesinorbit]

So, you have another 10-ish years of getting hassled for no kids, most like. My sympathies. I was so happy to reach the age where I'm on the other side of the coin. It's a relief!

Oh, you should suggest that! I would love to see the look on the women's faces.

What it feels like to me, in my experience of being told I would change my mind/it's just a phase/everyone wants babies, is rationalization. "I went through this bullshit for some reason. Better pass it on." The look of betrayal on their faces when I start up with, "Well, you can be perfectly content without children, as well..." is an odd thing.

[krait]

Yes! Rationalisation - that's exactly what it sounds like in my ears, too. Especially the ones who want to join in the horror stories/insane details of child being annoying/the various things they suffered for the sake of some kid.

If the person you're talking to hasn't suffered through what you've had to suffer, there's a much greater chance they're going to greet your "funny story" about child-induced sleep deprivation/poop all over something/screaming baby in inappropriate public place with wow, no thanks; I'm gonna go get an IUD and spend my extra money on a trip to Paris instead of sympathy and oh, wow, that's even worse than what my little darling did, haha! Better make it sound like the first one isn't an option! Insist that's a phase, for maximum smug "I am more evolved and mature than you" points.

And as for "everyone wants babies" - that one's always struck my ear as somebody trying to rationalise the fact that they took a life-altering decision without pausing to so much as consider thinking about it first. I assume that person didn't bother to ask themselves whether they wanted parenthood; it happened, and rather than face up to their lack of self-knowledge, they just decide that they *must* have wanted it: if everyone wants it, then so did they, no thought required! And that means they fulfilled their desire, rather than screwed themselves over by totally failing to analyse their goals/plans and learn about their options!

The look of betrayal on their faces when I start up with, "Well, you can be perfectly content without children, as well..." is an odd thing.

Haha, I just bet! I wish you had a video clip. :D

[groovesinorbit]

Heh. Agreed on all that. Although, for a lot of folks, it may be a cool thing to have and raise kids. A couple of my best friends have two kids who are just starting life on their own, and they're happy as clams about how everything turned out.

Of course, they've never hassled me about my lack of kids. I wonder if you're really happy in your choice, you don't feel the need to do the brainwashing?

[krait]

Yep, I have met a few cool parents out there, but a key feature of that is definitely "understands it's a job and a chore sometimes, and not everybody wants to sign up for it"!

But then, I consider peer pressure the sign of an immature mind, so that makes perfect sense. If you need me to do something in order to convince yourself your choice is valid... maybe you should reconsider your choice. If you *really* want to do something, you don't care whether it's what everybody is doing! Life is not a popularity contest: you don't get points for picking the most common path, and you don't get points for coercing others to join you.

[groovesinorbit]

Ah, but you do get points! Not from folks like us, certainly. But the status quo rewards board. They hand out points for shit like that constantly. That's part of the problem.

[feuervogel]

I know! Like, the most important thing my sister or I could do is dispense a grandchild. Fuck that!

I'm going to write a long, locked post on this subject later.

[groovesinorbit]

Looking forward to reading it.