One of the key examples that made me reconsider my opinion on this sort of thing a while back was the term "nigger-work". (Ugh... I have trouble even typing that.) Apparently, that was (is?) used in some places to refer to mindless, unskilled work that anyone could do; I assume that comprehensive dictionaries would list that definition (with no mention of its social context). I don't remember where I heard about the term, but the people who used it explicitly said that they didn't consciously associate it with black people at all: it was just the common term for that sort of work.
And yet, I absolutely believe that associating the term "nigger-work" with dull, menial labor would inevitably, invariably reinforce a deep-seated prejudice that black people are less competent than white people (quite apart from the use of one of the most vile words in the English language). And once I accepted that, I could understand how less blatant examples like "retarded" or even "lame" could have similar consequences for other groups of people (or be heard by them as similarly offensive or hurtful).
All that being said, I emphatically believe that most of this is not even remotely familiar or obvious to most people. (I wish I'd been aware of it earlier.) In general, people use the language as they learned it growing up, and they feel understandably defensive when someone else barges in to tell them that their speech is somehow wrong or improper. (After all, that person is implicitly criticizing their mothers, too, and all the rest of their friends and families!) So my preferred way to address this sort of thing is just to point out the negative aspects of the usage in question and trust that the person I'm talking to will eventually think through them and reach some ethical conclusion. In my experience, that approach tends to work out pretty well (with far more success and far fewer hurt feelings than any other approach that I've seen). So to that extent, I agree with your call to "be a little more chill". :)
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And yet, I absolutely believe that associating the term "nigger-work" with dull, menial labor would inevitably, invariably reinforce a deep-seated prejudice that black people are less competent than white people (quite apart from the use of one of the most vile words in the English language). And once I accepted that, I could understand how less blatant examples like "retarded" or even "lame" could have similar consequences for other groups of people (or be heard by them as similarly offensive or hurtful).
All that being said, I emphatically believe that most of this is not even remotely familiar or obvious to most people. (I wish I'd been aware of it earlier.) In general, people use the language as they learned it growing up, and they feel understandably defensive when someone else barges in to tell them that their speech is somehow wrong or improper. (After all, that person is implicitly criticizing their mothers, too, and all the rest of their friends and families!) So my preferred way to address this sort of thing is just to point out the negative aspects of the usage in question and trust that the person I'm talking to will eventually think through them and reach some ethical conclusion. In my experience, that approach tends to work out pretty well (with far more success and far fewer hurt feelings than any other approach that I've seen). So to that extent, I agree with your call to "be a little more chill". :)