Well, you also shouldn't be denying people's gender identities, so I'm going to say the analogy doesn't fail. I know I shouldn't be stepping on people's toes, but, y'know, I'm human, and sometimes I trip or don't see people's feet. It's that damn fallibility - like using the wrong pronoun, you know you shouldn't, but sometimes it happens. Like using the wrong pronoun, it's usually minor anyway. Except when it's not, like for someone who's nursing an injured foot.
Acknowledging the pain and stating that you didn't mean to cause it is the majority of what I'm talking about with an apology, anyway. If you don't regret causing other people pain, intentionally or not, then I guess, yes, it would be misleading to apologize. But I generally do regret hurting people, even by accident, even if I couldn't have known. Even knowing that I can't reasonably prevent it from ever happening with anyone else ever again, I don't think it rings hollow. Obviously, that's going to depend enormously on the audience and the situation. Context again.
Ultimately, I think we've got irreconcilable paradigms. It's hard to imagine myself in a situation where tickling wasn't considered intimate, but in that case, if someone knocked my hand away full force and explained they had issues, I'd apologize and try to be understanding, not expect them to convince me to stop less directly/violently. I'd honestly accept it as a reflex and move on. I guess I wouldn't stop the behavior in the context, but I'd stop it with that person, and that's the behavior correction I'd be including in my apology.
So, yeah, I'm thinking that's where we're hitting the wall. I thought I'd already said it, but I don't think holding a grudge over an honest mistake is justified either. I just think that having a strong immediate response is understandable and acceptable, and that "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I know it can be an issue, and from now on I'll make sure to call you what you prefer." That's the correction you're making, not how you address everyone, how you address this individual.
In the end, people should be accountable for what they do. Yes, it's wrong to hold them accountable for more, but it's equally wrong to shrug off the responsibility. The correct approach in a given situation is somewhere in the middle ground, and it's going to vary by the context. So, yes, you can say "It's wrong to hate someone for saying 'Hello!'" That has next to no bearing on real world situations, though, so it's a bit of a strawman argument. If you can expect people to moderate their reactions to your actions based on how likely it is to be a simple mistake, they can expect you to moderate your reaction to their pain based on how likely your simple mistake was to be the 50th such "simple mistake" they've had to deal with today, that you might be the straw that broke the camel's back. You don't have to be a smiling, groveling punching bag, but you should acknowledge and apologize, because you did contribute to someone else's pain and we generally regret doing that.
no subject
Acknowledging the pain and stating that you didn't mean to cause it is the majority of what I'm talking about with an apology, anyway. If you don't regret causing other people pain, intentionally or not, then I guess, yes, it would be misleading to apologize. But I generally do regret hurting people, even by accident, even if I couldn't have known. Even knowing that I can't reasonably prevent it from ever happening with anyone else ever again, I don't think it rings hollow. Obviously, that's going to depend enormously on the audience and the situation. Context again.
Ultimately, I think we've got irreconcilable paradigms. It's hard to imagine myself in a situation where tickling wasn't considered intimate, but in that case, if someone knocked my hand away full force and explained they had issues, I'd apologize and try to be understanding, not expect them to convince me to stop less directly/violently. I'd honestly accept it as a reflex and move on. I guess I wouldn't stop the behavior in the context, but I'd stop it with that person, and that's the behavior correction I'd be including in my apology.
So, yeah, I'm thinking that's where we're hitting the wall. I thought I'd already said it, but I don't think holding a grudge over an honest mistake is justified either. I just think that having a strong immediate response is understandable and acceptable, and that "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I know it can be an issue, and from now on I'll make sure to call you what you prefer." That's the correction you're making, not how you address everyone, how you address this individual.
In the end, people should be accountable for what they do. Yes, it's wrong to hold them accountable for more, but it's equally wrong to shrug off the responsibility. The correct approach in a given situation is somewhere in the middle ground, and it's going to vary by the context. So, yes, you can say "It's wrong to hate someone for saying 'Hello!'" That has next to no bearing on real world situations, though, so it's a bit of a strawman argument. If you can expect people to moderate their reactions to your actions based on how likely it is to be a simple mistake, they can expect you to moderate your reaction to their pain based on how likely your simple mistake was to be the 50th such "simple mistake" they've had to deal with today, that you might be the straw that broke the camel's back. You don't have to be a smiling, groveling punching bag, but you should acknowledge and apologize, because you did contribute to someone else's pain and we generally regret doing that.