Well, you shouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes anyway, so the analogy fails.
Should you acknowledge the pain? Sure. Should you state that you didn't mean to cause it? Yes. Should you avoid doing it in future, of course.
But I don't think that the speaker ~did~ make a mistake. And I don't think that's a true apology, because nothing changes in the speaker.
In order for it to be a real apology, I have to acknowledge a flaw in my actions, regret my actions, and act differently in the future.
In this case, since there was no reasonable way to know the correct pronoun choice and I chose incorrectly, I don't really see the flaw, nor a good way to avoid the mistake in the future. It would be awkward and clumsy in many settings to inquire about someone's preferred pronoun choice before ever referring to them. And since there is absolutely no pronoun choice that doesn't cause offense to some people, there is no way not to hurt some people. So, what behavior is expected to be changed? If put in the same situation, I'd make the exact same action. So, what mistake was made? That it turned out poorly is unfortunate, but all you can do is make the best decision you can with the information you have to work on, that that sometimes turns out poorly is part of life, but it does not make the decision wrong. It was the right thing to do. It just didn't work out.
That's why it is vital to know the circumstances, because if it actually was a mistake, if the person's preference should have been known, then that changes everything.
And I really do think people have a responsibility to moderate their reactions based on someone else's ability to understand what will be an issue for them. For example, I've been in social circles where tickling is considered friendly and okay and people will do it without even asking. I do not give people consent to tickle. Tickling me is not okay and triggering. However, if someone who does not know this is tickles me in a setting where they really did feel that they had cause to think it okay, then I will react moderately. However, I tend to try to inform people I get close enough to of this, because I do not want to be stuck in this situation. If someone who does know this tickles me without my consent, it is a completely different matter, because now they know they do not have consent, and I will not take the energy to not react more strongly.
But you can't go around holding things against people or randomly blowing up at them when they have no way of knowing that they are stepping on a landmine. If you need to do this, you need a great deal of help. I admit, help is often not available and even when it is, it takes time and won't help everyone. But there is an extent to which I hold people in public to a basic level of ability to act decently socially, and that includes keeping your extreme sensitivities under control. Anything set off strongly by correct behavior on someone else's part is an extreme sensitivity. But I won't hold it against you if you rant about incorrect behavior.
This post seems to have been started by an example where the person was in a context where it was deemed just due social decency to take the effort to learn the correct pronouns, so it doesn't apply there. But I do think the situation is vital, and you cannot give people free license to always hold the person who hurts them accountable. People can be hurt by anything. It is not always my job to deal with your pain, even if I "caused" it by doing something completely innocuous that I had no way of knowing was a problem. Sometimes saying, "hello" to someone causes pain. Is that a mistake? Is that something to apologize for? What change in behavior should one make if one knows that greeting people means you run a percentage risk of hurting someone? Especially when not greeting people also runs that risk.
no subject
Should you acknowledge the pain? Sure. Should you state that you didn't mean to cause it? Yes. Should you avoid doing it in future, of course.
But I don't think that the speaker ~did~ make a mistake. And I don't think that's a true apology, because nothing changes in the speaker.
In order for it to be a real apology, I have to acknowledge a flaw in my actions, regret my actions, and act differently in the future.
In this case, since there was no reasonable way to know the correct pronoun choice and I chose incorrectly, I don't really see the flaw, nor a good way to avoid the mistake in the future. It would be awkward and clumsy in many settings to inquire about someone's preferred pronoun choice before ever referring to them. And since there is absolutely no pronoun choice that doesn't cause offense to some people, there is no way not to hurt some people. So, what behavior is expected to be changed? If put in the same situation, I'd make the exact same action. So, what mistake was made? That it turned out poorly is unfortunate, but all you can do is make the best decision you can with the information you have to work on, that that sometimes turns out poorly is part of life, but it does not make the decision wrong. It was the right thing to do. It just didn't work out.
That's why it is vital to know the circumstances, because if it actually was a mistake, if the person's preference should have been known, then that changes everything.
And I really do think people have a responsibility to moderate their reactions based on someone else's ability to understand what will be an issue for them. For example, I've been in social circles where tickling is considered friendly and okay and people will do it without even asking. I do not give people consent to tickle. Tickling me is not okay and triggering. However, if someone who does not know this is tickles me in a setting where they really did feel that they had cause to think it okay, then I will react moderately. However, I tend to try to inform people I get close enough to of this, because I do not want to be stuck in this situation. If someone who does know this tickles me without my consent, it is a completely different matter, because now they know they do not have consent, and I will not take the energy to not react more strongly.
But you can't go around holding things against people or randomly blowing up at them when they have no way of knowing that they are stepping on a landmine. If you need to do this, you need a great deal of help. I admit, help is often not available and even when it is, it takes time and won't help everyone. But there is an extent to which I hold people in public to a basic level of ability to act decently socially, and that includes keeping your extreme sensitivities under control. Anything set off strongly by correct behavior on someone else's part is an extreme sensitivity. But I won't hold it against you if you rant about incorrect behavior.
This post seems to have been started by an example where the person was in a context where it was deemed just due social decency to take the effort to learn the correct pronouns, so it doesn't apply there. But I do think the situation is vital, and you cannot give people free license to always hold the person who hurts them accountable. People can be hurt by anything. It is not always my job to deal with your pain, even if I "caused" it by doing something completely innocuous that I had no way of knowing was a problem. Sometimes saying, "hello" to someone causes pain. Is that a mistake? Is that something to apologize for? What change in behavior should one make if one knows that greeting people means you run a percentage risk of hurting someone? Especially when not greeting people also runs that risk.